NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
