If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Randomize
