the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
