Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
