sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
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I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
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if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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