i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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