I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
