Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
