I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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