When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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