Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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