Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
