There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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