i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
