She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
