things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
