TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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