Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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