Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
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She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
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forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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