You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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