At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
