A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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