We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
