I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
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Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
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I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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