hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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