I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
