Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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