i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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