Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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