The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
