what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
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It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
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I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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