I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
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He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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