what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Be still, my beating vagina.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
