you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
