dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
