I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I want to be your penis for a week.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
