When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
