He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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