come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
