I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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