Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
