I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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