I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
