I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
