the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
