My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
