I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
