Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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