I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We don't watch enough power rangers
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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