WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
