He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
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Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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