That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
